Respect...

Tell Me What It Means To Me.

As many of you know, in addition to writing here on Substack, I also do a podcast with some of my good friends on the topic of emotional needs.

The TL/DR version of that is this: we take care of (or ignore) our physical bodies. Most of us are at least aware of mental health. But how many of us even acknowledge our emotional well-being?

Especially for us men, emotions can be a very uncomfortable - if not completely foreign - topic of discussion. However, every single one of us has ten primary emotional needs that are either met or ignored. When they are NOT met - or are taken from us - we get hurt.

These ten needs are:

1. Acceptance

2. Affection

3. Appreciation

4. Approval

5. Attention

6. Comfort

7. Encouragement

8. Respect

9. Security

10. Support

This past week, we talked about the need for Respect, which is probably the most commonly recognized of all of the others. We see it in mafia movies and gangster movies. We hear songs about it, but what is it really?

Here are the show notes for the reading-inclined:

Respect

1. What is it? - Valuing and regarding one another highly; treating one another as important; honoring one another.   

2. What causes it?

   1. Having it met constantly as a child

   2. NOT having it met as a child

3. How is it different than Belonging?

   1. Belonging is treating one with respect for how they relate to you

   2. Respect is treating one in high regard simply because of who they are

4. How is it met?

   1. Most often it is enough to simply not DISrespect

   2. The Golden Rule - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

   3. Tangible ways

      1. Allowing someone to speak and have input

      2. Giving them proper space (traffic, lines, personal)

      3. Not overbearing someone with your views, input, words (loud talking)

      4. Seeking the advice or counsel of someone

      5. Giving one credit for what they have accomplished

      6. Speaking of another’s accomplishments NOT in their presence

      7. Standing up for another when they are present or not present

      8. Keep confidential things confidential

      9. Keep your word

      10. Give honest feedback/criticism

      11. Respond in a timely fashion (invites, phone calls, emails, etc)

      12. Show gratitude - to not communicates entitlement

      13. Communicate affirmation of another

      14. OUR EXAMPLES…

          1. Brian

             1. Accurately understanding or being understood when communicating an idea

             2. Any time someone shows even the SLIGHTEST bit of depth in understanding me as a human. People are so distracted, so surface, so guarded, but when someone breaks the surface even SLIGHTLY in showing that they see me in a more meaningful way, that’s very respectful to me.

          2. Chris 

             1. Compliments - physical or, more importantly, recognition of my abilities

             2. Asking me questions

             3. Listening when I speak

5. How has it not been met in our lives?

   1. Jay - coaching

   2. Eric - usurping parental decisions

   3. Chris - being the butt of jokes, consequently I feel disrespected very easily. 

   4. Brian - telling him what to say

6. How do we “steal” it?

   1. Demanding it abrasively rather than assuming it

   2. Speaking of one’s own status or accomplishments. Bragging on self.

   3. Forcing oneself into positions of leadership or power

   4. Always giving one’s opinions regardless of it being asked for or considered

   5. (maybe) disagreeing just for the sake of having your way

   6. OUR EXAMPLES

      1. Brian

         1. When someone steals my story and tries to one-up me

         2. Talking over me - you are telling me that you’re more important than me, that your idea or opinion matters more than mine 

         3. Trying to finish my sentence - you have literally no idea where I’m going with my thoughts

         4. Not responding or belittling my response. For example, in a group chat I used ot be on, every time I contributed to the conversation, I either got no direct response, the response was contradictory, or the subject was changed, as if I wasn’t even talking. Every time, it seemed. Changing the subject in particular steals that respect because it tells me my line of thought isn’t important or valid enough to even deem a response.

      2. Chris

         1. parenting

         2. maybe not forcing, but assuming as feels necessary

         3. Yesssss.  I desire to be heard.

7. Matt 22: 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”

   1. If one does not respect themselves CAN they respect others?

   2. Does this apply?

8. When we do not receive respect, where does it go?

   1. Fear  - Shutting down and not trying to accomplish or, even, matter

   2. Guilt - Seeing one’s lack of respect as a result of failures in tasks, relationships, life

   3. Self Condemnation - Believing that one is not worthy of respect and others are right to not respect them

   4. Anger 

      1. Demanding the respect from others (see #6 above)

      2. NEVER respecting others