The Emotional Need Of Acceptance

Living In A World That Has No Idea What This Means

Last night on the podcast that I do with some friends, we discussed the topic of the emotional need of Acceptance.

An emotional need is a need that’s unmet or taken from you. We ALL have emotional needs, and because we’re always either having needs unmet or taken from us, we’re filled with hurt and complications from a life that has never healed properly.

You can listen to last night’s episode here:

Or watch on Facebook (soon to be moving to YouTube):

This was a really powerful podcast for me personally. It spoke to me on a lot of levels and helped me understand who I am and why I do the things I do just a little bit better.

One of the things that specifically stood out to me as we discussed this topic was the recurring theme of unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace.

Don’t we seem to hear everywhere in our society about our need to be accepting of others lifestyles, beliefs, opinions, and “their truth”?

Yet, we also find a world absolutely hostile to each other. In many cases, the most hostile are the ones who scream the loudest about accepting others. They are the least forgiving and put the MOST conditions on love and acceptance.

As we said in this podcast

Everything is conditional. You’re on my team, “as long as”. A lot of people say they love and accept each other unconditionally, but when the rubber meets the road, there are always conditions. I love you, unless you don’t meet these conditions, demands and expectations.

The people who shriek about “love is love” come to my mind as some of the least accepting and most conditional. Or the aunt in the family who’s so “inclusive”, except when you bring up your thoughts on Donald Trump or the vaccine, for instance.

These people don’t accept. They don’t know HOW to accept. Maybe it’s because they themselves have deep hurts from times where they’ve been rejected, and so they don’t really know what acceptance is. There are a lot of reasons why people don’t know how to truly accept another person, and we dive deep on this episode.

Please check out our show and the show notes, and we would love to see you at the table over at Lunchtimeinrome.com!

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1. Acceptance: What is it?

   1. Receiving another person willingly and unconditionally, even when the other’s behavior has been imperfect. Loving another in spite of differences or failures

   2. Simply put it is being loved even though you have erred or not met another’s expectations

2. What it is not

   1. Being ACCEPTED into a group or relationship in general

   2. This is the need of BELONGING/APPROVAL

3. What causes it?

   1. An overbearing rigid upbringing with little grace

   2. A childhood bereft of boundaries or expectations

   3. A present lack of grace and understanding/attachment in one’s life

   4. A present life of failures, missteps, and/or sin

4. How is it met?

   1. Verbally

      1. Offering forgiveness

      2. Reassurance in difficult times

      3. Consistency in good and bad times

      4. Preemptive in normal times

   2. Physically

      1. Hugs

      2. Notes/letters/texts/social media

5. How is it not met/how are we hurt by not receiving it?

   1. Unattainable expectations

   2. Outbursts instead of forgiveness

   3. Uneven patterns of behavior

   4. Stubbornness and inflexible positions on things

6. When we do not receive acceptance, how are we hurt?

   1. Fear

      1. Not knowing what to expect

      2. Anxiety of not meeting expectations

   2. Guilt 

      1. The belief that it is one’s own fault for the displeasure of the other

      2. Over focusing on one’s own actions

   3. Self Condemnation

      1. The belief that one is not entitled to their own beliefs/thoughts

      2. Embracing their imperfections as evidence of lack of character/worth

   4. Anger - being upset about one’s “performance”