The Emotional Need of Belonging

And the Massive Evidence That Society Demands It, Needs It, Even WORSHIPS IT.

Last night on the Lunchtime In Rome podcast the I do with my homies (yes, I’m from the 90’s), we discussed one of the 10 Emotional Needs that everyone in the world wrestles with - Belonging.

Like all the other deep dives we’ve done on the core emotional needs recently, this one was fascinating to me. On a personal level, yes. But it also got me thinking on a societal level.

First, what is Belonging? Glad you asked.

Feeling like one is valued due to the relationship one has with another.

Look around us. Everyone is seemingly clambering over one another to belong somewhere.

Democrat. Republican. Sports team. LGBTQ+++++++++++++++ (whatever it is now). Religious affiliation. Ethnic group. American. Vaxxed and masked. Anti-whatever.

To me, it’s no coincidence that since society really started to break down in the 60’s (which coincided with the breakdown of the family unit), the splintering and tribalization of society has skyrocketed. It used to be that you found belonging in your family, in your neighborhood, in a group of solid friends you socialized with. Of course you had country clubs, the American Legion, etc. and even terrible things like the KKK, because humans were made to feel belonging. When we don’t find that belonging naturally and in healthy ways, we have to seek it out and even manufacture it.

However, over the last 50-60 years, the explosion of “groups” is, to me, an yet another indication of something slightly (or wildly) awry in the fabric of our human race. There’s a strong argument to be made that as we’ve “advanced”, we’ve become disconnected in ways that we’ve never experienced before.

And now we’re grasping at the straws, trying desperately to fill that need to belong in ways that are more manufactured - and in many ways toxic - than ever before.

How many FB groups do you belong to? How many of those people you’re in those groups with do you really know? Do you join them because you’re finding tangible connection? Are you really feeling like you belong? Or are you looking for a meaning and purpose that you haven’t quite found?

I’m sure in many cases, the answer to those last two questions is a resounding “yes!”. And that’s great and healthy.

However, think about all of the ways you don’t feel like you belong, even when you’re “in”.

Now multiply that by about 6 billion.

Caveat: many on here, reading my Substack, are very independent-minded. You may be one of them. You may not care too much about belonging. You might be much happier being a loner or an outsider. I’m sure you still have ways which you find belonging, but overall, I’d venture that many of us couldn’t care less about needing to find our validation in a group.

But as we look around, we see billions of people DESPERATE to belong to something because they aren’t getting that sense of belonging in healthy and natural ways. They are content to jump into the next cool group that comes along, even if they aren’t actually getting their need for belonging fundamentally and authentically met.

They exists as a follower, as a member of some tribe that might touch on their sense of belonging somewhere, some way, but never really meeting their need on a tangible level. So they get discontent, complain, get hurt more, and move on. They might even create their own further splinter cell.

It becomes an exponential spiral downward to quench their need to belong, never really finding it, and like fractals in a kaleidoscope, or a mirror shattering under increased pressure, the fractures and fractals grow and change and increase. A clear view of themselves, and of society at large, becomes hard to identify. Pretty soon, it’s nearly impossible to determine who we are, because our need to belong isn’t really being met.

Looking around today, I see a society filled with individuals who have no idea who they are or where they belong.

Hence the Woke movement.

In a world that has lost it’s sense of true belonging, the slippery slope into further decay and fracturing is inevitable and will end very badly. We’re seeing the undeniable indications and symptoms of that appear every single day on an ever-increasing frequency and with breakneck speed.

I believe it’s intentional and in a lot of cases, orchestrated.

With true belonging and foundationally healthy identification with fundamental principles, there is clarity. There is purpose. There is stability. There is a vision to rally around, unified, to create positive and long-lasting belonging.

Without this, there is division. Chaos. Distortions and manipulations. And those that know how to do this, to intentionally create this fracturing, can then come and point their laser pointer wherever they want, herding those cats in whichever direction they choose. They use the desire to belong against those that crave belonging by creating “others”, those who DON’T belong to THIS group, THIS identity.

Today, in your own life, do you feel like you belong?

If not, what are you doing to find that belonging? Are you pursuing healthy communities and tangible relationships? Or are you grasping at manufactured fractals in order to find healing to that hurt? Are you “othering” those who don’t think, act, and identify themselves exactly the way your group defines what it takes to belong?

If not, fantastic. You’re healthier than most.

If so, I would encourage you to disengage from those splinter cells, or at the very least, pull back and examine the authenticity of what you are identifying with and seeking to belong to.

It’s a constant work in progress because we all have a tremendous amount of hurt. Hurt people hurt people. The solution is not to compound hurt by creating more outcasts.

At the end of this podcast, we discuss ways of finding a healthy sense of belonging and working towards some semblance of unity. And spoiler alert, it starts on the individual level and works it’s way out from there.