Bad Patterns In Relationships Part 1
Last Night's Lunchtime In Rome Podcast
Hi everyone.
Sorry it’s been a minute since I’ve posted. Life has a way of getting heavy sometimes, and the last couple of weeks have been pretty heavy for me.
To that end, I would present the following Lunchtime In Rome podcast where we talk about patterns in relationships.
We all fall into bad patterns in our relationships. Why does that happen? What is really behind it all? How can we possibly break that destructive cycle? Is there hope?
Below is the outline which we used in our discussion. Please feel free to comment and give your feedback!
What are they?
Cyclical conflict in a relationship
Having the same fight over different details
What are their characteristics?
Every decision/conflict is handled the same way and it is not productive
Every major conflict is about the same “thing” with different causes for the incident
What causes it?
General – conflict between where hurts go
Anger/Guilt
Anger/Self Condemnation
Fear/Guilt
Fear/Self Condemnation
Anger & Fear look outward, Guilt & Self Condemnation inward’
Procedural
Conflict between emotional needs
Opposite “need” of needs in general
Respect vs. Security
Affection vs. Security/Respect
Encouragement vs. Support
Attention vs. Acceptance
Not being open, honest and vulnerable
Not communicating the need – open
Stealing the need – honest
Being afraid (perhaps rightfully so) that the need won’t be met – vulnerable
Not mutually giving – one or both of the people are not loving the other by meeting an OHV communicated need.
Unresolved Hurts
Past hurts outside of a relationship that have not been comforted
Past hurts within a relationship that have not been confessed, understood and forgiven
Inhibits intimacy which prohibits the meeting of other needs
Reduces the impact of other needs being met
Clouds or diminishes an altruistic attempt to meet a need
It was an honor to do this (and every) episode with you. Your openness and humility are vital. It breaks my heart that so many make the two and become one and then give up on that commitment to God (and each other). It further breaks my heart that they don't have the tools to navigate what is a very challenging process (the two becoming one). Hopefully this episode can help them.
My comment may inspire a "gee, thanks for nothing!" response. But it's been my experience that sometimes those who cause us the most awful heartbreak can also be the means through which extraordinary blessings are bestowed.
Sometimes the person you deeply love is simply an instrument, and not your soulmate or anything of importance at all except as a catalyst, or unwitting emissary of good.
Follow your instincts and, at the same time, use a little common sense. If for some impossible-to-rationally explain reason you absolutely feel that being with a certain individual is the right choice, trust yourself. But also trust to things like a financial cushion of your own resources that are your own private business; that you never sign documents that you feel uneasy about; that you never, ever, ever let a person you love inflict physical harm on you or someone you're responsible for protecting.
But really--instincts are strange things. Sometimes you need, like, a half-century or so before you're vindicated. Just don't betray yourself.